i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
