A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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