Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is my gift to your gina
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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