Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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