why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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