Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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