I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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