Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
