You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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