A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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