I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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