you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
