I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
