I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
