i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
