I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
