Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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