I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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