Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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