we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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