remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
