We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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