Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
