Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
