I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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