I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
