How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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