Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
