So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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