tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
