dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
that's an acceptable place to lick
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
