i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
