I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
