First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
