Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
