did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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