He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
