Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
