i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
