my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
