I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
