lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
