After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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