I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
