who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
