if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
