I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She made me pour olive oil on her.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
