I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
