Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
