I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
