looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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